I was recently told that I should look forward to failing. At the time, about five days ago, I didn’t really understand what that meant. I don’t think I do still. But since then, I’ve talked to many people about failure. During these conversations I’ve had with close friends throughout the week I’ve been vocally expressing or exploring my relationship with fear. I never though of my relationship with fear, didn’t think I had one. But I do. We all do.
The reason why I never thought about my relationship with fear and failure was because I’ve subconsciously avoided it at all costs.
These past month I’ve been on a hunt for a new job. There are stores and companies I would love to apply to but haven’t because I kept thinking that “they would never hire me”, “They’re gonna reject me”. All of these thoughts come from fear and I’ve let them decide what I do or don’t do. What the worst that could happen if I don’t get the job at Madewell?
It’s the little thoughts in where my fear of failure manifests itself.
It also affects the choices I make when I’m working on a scene or script. I’m so afraid to be wrong with a choice or to be wrong within the content of the scene that I’ve limited my exploration of a scene. There are so many other creative outlets I love like writing, songwriting, singing, reading, acting and photography but have always been afraid to share it with other people.
Even this blog I’ve started. For so long I’ve wanted to start one but was afraid about what people would think. But most likely no one will read this and even if they do and don’t like it, it doesn’t hurt me. These are my thought and feelings, I’m not ashamed of them.
So hopefully I can maintain this blog. It’s and extension of my “finsta”, a bit more organized and coherent.