I do it to myself

I have not forgotten about this blog. In fact, my drafts folder is full half-written posts. I wanted to write and post on this blog for weeks but every time, I start writing and when I’m done I realize I’ve gone on multiple tangents. But that’s how my brain works and instead of trying to make it seem less cluttered, I’m just gonna write instead of editing myself and my thoughts.

I’ve been feeling stuck. This feeling is not foreign to me, I’ve experienced it since I was fourteen, stuck in high school while I wanted to go out and dedicate myself completely to acting. This time around its a different “stuck”. Wherein I used to feel trapped by expectations from society and teachers, I now come to realize that if I feel like I have no room to breathe or pursue what I want, it’s because I made it that way.

I am fortunate enough to have college as an option. But it is not something I wanted. As a child I never fantasied about college life. Yet, I enrolled. And I have been trying to figure out why I did it. It is true I enjoy learning and having discussions with people on a variety of topics. I like the space that college takes. But I feel like at times it compromises the things I value much more. The matter of the fact is that I’m already enrolled, I’m about to be a sophomore, I might as well stick with it.

I’m also waking up from this rut I’ve been and realizing that the things I wanted are not gonna happen If I’m not actively looking. I want to move out of home and I have a job, and can pay my rent and my credit score is shaping up. I am ready to start looking for roommates and a place.

There’s also my job thing. I want to leave my job but don’t at the same time. I’ve identified that I have a moral dilemma. I am Mexican and am very much not in touch or in tune with my culture. But last year I started working at a Mexican-Ice-cream place. The place is authentically Mexican in Greenwich Village. I feel so empowered working there and showing people that because its Mexican flavors, there is quality and it is not something you can write of as being cheap. But I feel I’ve outgrown it. I even suspect I’m staying for a totally different reason I tell myself. A boy, which is so stupid. I somehow believe that I’ll see him in the summer and I should stick it out. I have a job interview today, and If this job pays more and I like how the interview went, I’ll leave my current job.

I’ve also realized I need to take my health more seriously. I have PCOS. Which is a hormonal disorder with symptom of acne, weight gain, hair-loss, anxiety, depression, excess hair, and insulin resistance. I know for a fact that dairy is not something my body reacts to well. I also suspect I have a gluten sensitivity. So, I am trying to be dairy and gluten free. I usually go cold turkey and dive head first but this time I want to take it slowly. I’m gonna slowly find gluten-free replacements or food/recipes that won’t scare me out of sticking with this new lifestyle.

These past few days my mood has definitely brightened up. I feel awake and exited. I hope I feel like this for a while. I’ll post more on here as well. This was not as hard to write as it had been before, maybe I was over-thinking too much before.


Movie recommendation: The Philadelphia Story

1 thought on “I do it to myself”

  1. wow I love this, lots of what you spoke about are feelings and thoughts I am struggling with as well. It leaves me slightly satisfied knowing I am not the only person out here trapped with these thoughts. Hope you make the decision best for you!


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