Carnival Games

My knuckles have gone white from holding on to the rails, My eyes so tightly shut I see stars in the dark, My stomach has twisted and reached over to tickle itself,

I’m ready for the fall, ready for the drop in the rollercoaster where my hands will fly up and I’ll scream

But it never comes

I open my eyes and I’m on a carousel always going around in circles

A basketball thumps in my chest each time I see the red balloon fill up with air as I aim at the clowns wide open mouth with the water gun in my hands

But someone always beats me to the “pop”

My body tingles as I bring down the plush hammer to whack-a-mole always descending upon nothing but air

Each time I am surprised when the anticipation only leads me to frustration I do not know if I have formed a habit or a home in the before, in the leading up, in the moments when I think finally this will be something worth remembering

But maybe I like the wondering, and the dreaming, and the hope

Maybe I have fallen deeply in love with almost

-Annette