TWENTY

Self portrait of me becoming.

Today I am twenty years old. And I am happy.

For the first time turning a year older isn’t anxiety inducing. Today won’t be clouded by insecurities. On every birthday I look back on the past year and take inventory on my life. And always I was disappointed that I hadn’t yet left my mark on the world. I’m at peace with the fact that I am doing what I want to. This year I realized that I have my whole life to leave a mark. I’m doing everything the way it’s supposed to happen in my life. I’m on no one’s clock but my own, and I need to be kinder to myself.

I think I’m also finally coming to terms with the fact that not everyone in my life will always be in my life. I lost a friend recently. I had lost her last year, actually, she disappeared from my life without a word. i spent a year wondering about her, what she was doing, how was she, did she miss me. Turns out she didn’t. I suspected that. But it’s one thing to think it and to know it. And I think I’ve accepted that she wasn’t meant to be part of my life forever.

I’ve also realized this year that I am loved. For so long I thought I was unlovable, cold, and forgotten. But I’m not and maybe I’ve never been. The people who are in my life and who actively make it a choice to be in it love me. And I love them.

I’ve tried to write this post so many time. I go into too much detail and loose track of things. But in the end none of it matters except that I am twenty now and I’m happy. And for once I want to celebrate that.

If you’re reading this I hope you’re happy too, or close to being happy. I hope you’re okay. i hope you feel loved. I hope you find joy in life. I hope you find joy in the people around you. i hope you let them love you. I hope you love them. I hope you want to love. I hope you love yourself. I hope you live fully.

-Annette

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